By 
0
0
Written By: Ara Downey | Edited By: Anna Chua
I’ve taken the liberty of preparing a rundown of my day for you. Hopefully following this meticulous schedule will allow you to see the success I’ve attained in my eighteen months of uni thus far. Try not to be discouraged if you can’t stick with it at first — practice makes perfect.
7:30am: Alarm. Snooze.
7:39am: Snooze.
7:48am: Snooze.
7:57am: Snooze.
8:06am: Snooze.
8:15am: Snooze.
8:24am: Get out of bed.
8:25am: Check to see if exam results have been released yet.
8:29am: Breakfast (coffee).
9:00am: Have booked CS rooms for practice. Miss time slot because light rail is held for twenty-two minutes at Haymarket. Decide to practise by percussing the person sitting next to me. Detect decreased resonance and advise them they probably have pneumothorax.
9:38am: First coffee of the day, from XS (one at home doesn’t count since it was free). Save money by bringing my own cup. Only pay $7.70. Fantastic deal.
9:42am: Nap in LG. Would not have woken up this early if I knew I’d miss CS.
10:05am: Decide to join second lecture. It appears to be primarily photos of cats.
10:11am: Ask a question in the chat which was clearly answered two slides back.
10:21am: Will just go to the bathroom quickly.
10:23am: Lecturer has moved on to this:
Says “implications should be obvious” and moves onto the next slide.
10:27am: Realise I have no hope of understanding this. Leave call.
10:30am: Another nap.
11:43am: Second coffee of the day. Go to Brioso and get a hot drink because it is cheaper than iced. Only pay $4.50.
11:45am: Fistfight a law student. Win.
11:52am: Encounter a group of high school students in the library study room I want. Cannot believe their audacity; I am a very serious medical student with important things to do. Have not booked it and therefore do not have grounds to kick them out. Decide to stand outside glaring at them through the glass panel in the door until they leave.
11:55am: High school students leave. Success.
11:56am: Now that I have taken control of the room, am free to watch YouTube for the next three hours.
12:18pm: Flick through slides of 9am lecture so I can tick it off in Notion.
12:45pm: Forced to leave library because I believe I am developing hypothermia. Relocate to Wallace Wurth lobby.
12:47pm: Register self-care day for tomorrow — anatomy prac. Last week, tutor said not to worry about my lack of knowledge, I clearly hadn’t done thoracic anatomy before. Too embarrassed to correct him; now must change my identity and gaslight everyone into believing I’m a first year. Will buy AMSA tickets immediately.
1:34pm: Fun little drink, $7.50. Got it without whipped cream because I am health-oriented.
2:06pm: Email from MedFac to the entire cohort strongly implying we’re all about to be expelled. Sixth email like this since Tuesday. No longer concerned.
2:58pm: Purchase pre-SG coffee. $6.60.
3:00pm: SG begins. Am motivated and committed. Going to pay attention today.
3:09pm: Amazon is having a sale.
3:11pm: Facilitator asks me a question. Did not hear the question. Answer “the heart” and hope this is an acceptable answer.
3:13pm: Purchase a new coffee cup to help me save money on drinks.
3:20pm: Discussing the new scenario, in which Eric’s second cousin’s wife, who has congestive heart failure, adopts a child with VSD. Video is three minutes long and ends with the child asking the doctor, “Why do I have a ventricular septal defect?” Decide this is very realistic and prepare myself to answer many such questions.
3:41pm: Next SG exercise. Four case studies. The hospital has mixed up all their ECGs and we must decide which one belongs to which.
3:49pm: Apparently all four case study patients have now died, and the hospital has mixed up all their hearts. Suggest the hospital conduct a thorough review of their procedures.
3:51pm: Excuse myself to go to the bathroom. Have deduced that seven minutes is the longest I can spend in the bathroom before anyone gets suspicious. Spend seven minutes watching Instagram reels in the Wallace Wurth toilets.
4:12pm: Is that my exam result? No. Email from CS faculty with ‘important information’.
4:17pm: Email from biomedical teaching faculty with more ‘important information’ that directly contradicts the information provided in previous email.
4:19pm: Check my enrollment for the fourteenth time this week out of fear. Good news: I am still enrolled correctly.
4:21pm: Ask a friend if I should email the convenors a seventh time about exam results.
4:23pm: Friend did not adequately sympathise. Asked a second friend.
4:24pm: Think the convenors have blocked me.
5:06pm: Know I should not have any more coffees today. Pay $8.60 for Sharetea instead.
5:20pm: Go to the gym. Not entirely familiar with gym etiquette so I watch what others are doing. Deduce that the appropriate behaviour is long periods of sitting on gym equipment doing nothing. Do this for an hour.
6:34pm: Gym selfie. Unsure whether to caption it ‘Grindset’ or ‘Winners Never Quit’. Maybe better in caps lock?
6:45pm: Check to see if anyone has liked my story.
6:52pm: Sweet treat.
7:00pm: Charge a fourteen-year-old $120 for a one-hour tutoring session in which I watch them do UCAT problems and provide no commentary. I got into UNSW, so I am obviously good.
7:41pm: Jumpscared by Outlook notification which surely must be my exam results.
7:42pm: Email is a reminder of the census date.
7:56pm: Student calls me ‘skibidi sigma’. ? Compliment?
8:34pm: Time for dinner – 1600 calorie burrito.
9:03pm: Delete seventy-nine emails from the microbiology expert forum.
9:10pm: Scream into the void.
9:12pm: Time to study. Will start at 9:15pm.
9:15pm: Will start at 9:30pm.
9:30pm: Begin Anki. Find that 30% of the deck is just screenshots of whole lecture slides with ‘do later’ on the other side.
9:38pm: Enough Anki for today.
9:45pm: Look at memorandum. Do not attempt, but send a message about it to the entire cohort to make sure everyone knows how prepared I am. Then change one of the answers to be wildly incorrect just for fun.
9:47pm: Sims 4 and/or League of Legends until bed, as proof that I am psychologically well-adjusted. In the former case, end when laptop crashes or overheats to the point of second-degree burns. In the latter case, rage-quit after three back-to-back losses. Text friends “ugh i have been so unproductive today” and go to sleep, ignoring all further attempts at communication. Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight eMed. Another successful day of saving lives.
By 
