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by Ara Downey
- On the first day of med school, you will get one MedSoc tote bag.
You’ll carry it every time you go to a public library to make sure everyone knows you do med. It might be an endless, expensive, soul-sucking endeavour, but at least it’s an ego boost.
Just kidding! It’s not an ego boost at all.
- On the second day of uni, you will have two awkward run-ins with your tutors from year 12. And one tote bag.
Your private chemistry tutor is a second-year, who smiles at you politely, but who you will later see blackout drunk at WAO and instantly lose all respect for. Your Matrix/Du/Kurt maths tutor is a third-year who you will run into at Brioso three times a week. He’ll never acknowledge you, and you’ll spend seven months believing he doesn’t recognise you until he accidentally slips up and you realise he’s been persistently ignoring you the whole time. It’s tough out there.
- On the third day of uni, you will have three coffees, two awkward run-ins with your tutors from year twelve, and one tote bag.
I know, that 9-11 + 12-2 + 2:30-4:30 combo is brutal. It’ll only get worse over the next six years. No lunch break? Two lectures at once? Unscheduled class you’re expected to just somehow know that you’re meant to turn up to? I think you’ve earned another coffee.
- On the fourth day of uni, you will see four photos of the wellbeing slide, three coffees, two awkward run-ins with your tutors from year twelve, and one tote bag.
- On the fifth day of uni, you will have five incredibly bizarre icebreaker activities, four photos of the wellbeing slide, three coffees, two awkward run-ins with your tutors from year twelve, and one tote bag.
Now we’re all going to go in a circle and share our favourite way to eat eggs.
- On your sixth day of uni, you will get six thousand dollars of HECS debt, five icebreaker activities, four photos of the wellbeing slide, three coffees, two awkward run-ins with your tutors from year twelve, and one tote bag.
Don’t even think about complaining about your HECS when your international classmates are single-handedly paying for Wallace Wurth’s new ferret-focused renovation. Anyway, if nothing else, let the cost of your education be motivation to get every dollar’s worth. I personally sleep in the SG rooms to get the maximum value out of my tuition.
- On your seventh day of uni, you will have seven lectures, six thousand dollars of HECS debt, five icebreaker activities, four photos of the wellbeing slide, three coffees, two awkward run-ins with your tutors from year twelve, and one tote bag.
In the first three you will learn absolutely nothing. In the next four you’ll cover the entire HSC Biology syllabus in forty minutes and then spend a full hour learning about a slide preparation mechanism before being told it’s non-examinable.
- On your eighth day of uni, you will have eight groups attempting to recruit you, seven lectures, six thousand dollars of HECS debt, five icebreaker activities, four photos of the wellbeing slide, three coffees, two awkward run-ins with your tutors from year twelve, and one tote bag.
What the hell is a sig? Why are there so many? Oh my god, why do all these second years keep talking about portfolios? Am I screwed already? Don’t worry; the groups are led by a bunch of people whose director terms started in January, so they’re just as nervous as you are. Fake it ‘til you make it, guys; that’s what everyone around you is doing.
- On your ninth day of uni, you will be barraged by nine bajillion emojis, eight groups attempting to recruit you, seven lectures, six thousand dollars of HECS debt, five icebreaker activities, four photos of the wellbeing slide, three coffees, two awkward run-ins with your tutors from year twelve, and one tote bag.
Hey Freshers 🤓1️⃣! Are you 🫵ready to make new friends 👫 expand your brain 🧠 and SAVE LIVES🩺? Attend our 👓 Ocular Myokymia 👁️ Community Awareness 👪 and Outreach Info Night ❤️! Join the Tele-Mentoring 📱 Program for Tasmanians 🐨 Interested in Toes 🦶 and More! Come to 🫡 Yeses and Nose 😲: A Night 🌃 to 👃Smellember👃! Get 🤩 amongst 🤯 it 😻!
- On your tenth day of uni, you will have ten medical indemnity insurance recruitment drives, nine bajillion emojis, eight groups attempting to recruit you, seven lectures, six thousand dollars of HECS debt, five icebreaker activities, four photos of the wellbeing slide, three coffees, two awkward run-ins with your tutors from year twelve, and one tote bag.
Yes, you need all of them RIGHT NOW. What if all but one simultaneously go bankrupt at the exact moment you’re sued for $10,000,000? It happened to two hundred people in the year above you.
- On your eleventh day of uni, you will have eleven moments where you think you’ve made a huge mistake, ten medical indemnity insurance recruitment drives — I’m not doing this all again.
Moment one: your first histology prac
Moment two: your twenty-second awkward run-in
Moment three: seeing a cadaver for the first time
Moment four: the med building being evacuated
Moment five: the med building being re-evacuated fifteen minutes later
Moment six: seeing a senior student’s Anki deck
Moment seven: the first time you get a heart-stopping email from MedFac implying you’ve committed a horrible enrolment error and are going to be expelled
Moment eight: your first embryology lecture
Moment nine: your second embryology lecture
Moment ten: your third embryology lecture
Moment eleven: your fourth embryology lecture
- On your twelfth day of uni, you will have twelve moments where you realise you’ve made the best decision of your life… plus eleven moments where you think you’ve made a huge mistake, ten medical indemnity insurance recruitment drives, nine bajillion emojis, eight groups attempting to recruit you, seven lectures, six thousand dollars of HECS debt, five icebreaker activities, four photos of the wellbeing slide, three coffees, two awkward run-ins with your tutors from year twelve, and final one tote bag.
It’s all worth it. Probably.
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