satire

By Thulashigan Sreeharan The Jugular is committed to providing up-to-date news during these uncertain times. UNSW is now seven days into lockdown, and as Wally looks emptier than most MedSoc council meetings, we decided to do some House style sleuthing into what our students are up to. Our finest reporter

By Thulashigan Sreeharan Doctors at a certain Western Sydney hospital are scratching their heads over the sudden disappearance of several hundred scrubs. Due to the shortage, surgeons have reportedly needed to perform major procedures wearing cooking aprons and lab coats. Jugular reporters interviewed a senior staff member at the hospital.

BY J.K Lolling On Monday, a day after MedCamp, a horde of first years were seen filtering into Wallace Wurth with croaky voices that regaled outrageous stories of their shared weekend to anyone that would listen. Sagging with absolute exhaustion, the mere mention of MedCamp caused them to perk up

written by JESSICA SAWANG The Littmann Cardiology IV Stethoscope not enough of a flex for you?  Tired of how AirPods used to be the ultimate symbol of wealth, but now everyone and their mother has one?  Annoyed that you can’t Bluetooth connect your AirPods to your steth?  Still want that

“UNSW’s medical students have returned from the break with uncharacteristically high spirits. MedFac has not yet isolated the causative agent, but they are very anxious to put a stop to it.”

“A first-year medical student with a lifelong fascination with the human body, Lil’ Bobby, as he likes to be called, claims to have developed an entirely novel instrument that will “transform the way we think about sound.””

“10 am. 25th July. A singular student collapses in Clancy auditorium. A moment passes, her classmates follow. A wave ripples upwards through the masses as 2nd years everywhere succumb to its effects. What could possibly have caused this? Malaria? The flu? A particularly hard Gibson lecture?”

“In preparation for the second scenario of Health Maintenance B, Mahdrink revealed that he had single-handedly discovered the greatest impetus (in his opinion*) to drink on a more regular basis. The rationale? To enhance his ability to empathise with patients struck by the cruel hand of alcoholism.”

“Characterised by constant interjections of “I’m so screwed, I haven’t studied at all!” into conversations completely unrelated to academics, even when secretly being caught up on most of the content, studies have shown that 1 in 3 medical students suffer from this affliction.”