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Written by Ara Downey & edited by David McKay
Do you want a girlfriend you only have to see once a week, when she emerges from Wally for overpriced Boost juice? Do you wish you had someone to send you texts like “want to know the pathophysiology of septic shock?” at 1am? Do you dream of being poked and prodded by someone learning how to use a stethoscope (or worse, a cannula[1])? Most of all, do you aspire to one day be married to someone with $70,000 of student debt? Look no further than a med student girlfriend! She’s smart, she’s sleep-deprived, and she doesn’t have time to cheat on you! Whether you’re a current or aspiring significant other, here are the 10 best spots to take the love of your life on a romantic date – if you can convince her to put down her Anki.
1. Bingsoo
An obvious inclusion. No med student is immune to the tantalising magnetism of sugar, especially not in a pretty café. It’s also a good screening test[2] – if she doesn’t like bingsoo, she’s not a keeper. Take me instead.
2. SCH Café
Make her feel at home by taking her to her natural habitat: drinking overpriced iced coffee in a hospital lobby. Buy it for her and she might marry you on the spot. The Sydney Children’s Hospital café donates profits to their foundation, which might make you feel so charitable and wholesome that you’ll forget about the fact that you’ve just taken your girlfriend to a hospital café. Then, she might entertain you with facts about childhood development. Plus, you’re within walking distance of Wally – whether or not that’s at all convenient for YOU notwithstanding. What’s not to love?
3. Blood Donation
If Twilight taught me anything[3], it’s that blood loss makes everything much more romantic. Take this message to heart and woo her with a trip to your local Red Cross blood donor centre –, but make sure you wait until the Vampire Cup[4] so she can show her mortal enemies (USYD medical students) how much better she is than them. Plus, you both get a snack out of it for free – which is especially useful if you’re still recovering from her expensive taste in food (revealed during dates 1 and 2) and if she’s developed an inexplicable, insatiable thirst during your hours spent at the centre. What’s to lose? 470mL of blood, of course!
4. Library Sleeping Pods
What’s that, you say? You’ve been feeling weirdly tired and off since she gave you that strange-looking love bite on your neck? Why not sleep it off together in a library sleeping pod! The only thing better than a regular nap is a nap where everyone in the library can see your feet sticking out of the pod. What do you mean, she doesn’t sleep? That’s a common misconception about med students. Though it may appear that your girlfriend doesn’t sleep, I can assure you she’s extremely health-conscious and always makes sure to get her recommended 7 to 9 hours per night.[5]
5. MedSoc Canteen
Planning a date between her 10am lecture and 12pm tutorial can be tough. Save time and money by taking her to the MedSoc canteen (the cupboards in LG). She’ll be unbelievably impressed when you drop $2 (via bank transfer) on a muesli bar for her, and your time spent together is maximised. The lack of windows also makes it a perfect place to go during the sunny hours of the day, since she’s very, very concerned about the risk of sun exposure. (Understandable, with her Fitzpatrick skin type.)
6. Therapy
I mean, communication is sexy, right? I’m just saying, it probably couldn’t hurt.
7. Hospital Supply Cupboard
What’s YOUR favourite gauge of catheter? You’ll have plenty of time to decide during your romantic trip to your nearest hospital supply cupboard! She’s at her best when she’s happy, and there’s not much that makes her happier than viewing a wide range of colposcopes, speculums, and chest drains. Even better, take her to see the blood bags. She’s extremely interested in haematology. What’s your haematocrit like?
8. People-Watching in the Prince of Wales Emergency Department
Put her skills to the test in the POW ED. She’ll feel at home among all the patients and JMOs! She’ll conduct rapidfire Axs and make mental Dxs of everything from an AAA[6] to WPW[7]. Watch her eyes light up as a Pt with a R LOF #[8] is BIBA[9] straight to OR for ORIF[10]. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to see an OA IW w/ PQO K/@, and (*UN$W @GMAIL.COM JUS(*&#W$ <p>NOTAVAMPIRE</p>. Plus, IH AL OFMU ATSA[11] and, after all, ABCDEFGHIJKLMONPQRSTUVWXYZ. What can I say? Home is where the HSDNM[12] is! Until the RN kicks you out, that is.
9. UNSW Museum of Human Disease
Who says you never take her anywhere nice? Let your love blossom among plexiglass jars containing gangrenous feet! Nothing says ‘romance’ like being surrounded by hearts – literally. Especially when those hearts have undergone significant pathological processes and been preserved in formaldehyde. They even have a vial of an original vaccine made by Louis Pasteur, who was a close personal friend of hers in 1843. Wait, what?
10. Flight Centre
After the garlic incident, she’s seemed a little off. What about a nice vacation? Take her to Flight Centre and put her on a one-way flight to Santa Maria Island, the furthest place on the planet from Sydney. There, spurred by the trauma of embryology, she’ll move into an underground lair and become a mad scientist who plots to take down James Bond with bioweapons and space lasers. Long-distance can be tough, but ever since you learnt she can transform into a bat and fly, it hasn’t been as bad – she and her minions pop by every now and then to say hi. Remember, love doesn’t judge.
As a bonus, here’s an easy gift option for your anniversary, when she finds herself so deeply charmed by your romantic side that she immediately proposes marriage:
A grad cap.
[1] I have an ethical obligation to clarify that medical students may not, in fact, practice cannulation on their significant others. At least, I personally do not practice cannulation on my significant other.
[2] High sensitivity, low specificity. Or is it high specificity?
[3] Which it didn’t.
[4] The Vampire Cup is a joke name referencing blood as part of blood donation, and has no association with vampires. Med students more broadly have no association with vampires, and to imply otherwise would be deceptive and inappropriate.
[5] Source: my Foundies IA
[6] Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm
[7] Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome
[8] Right Leg of Femur Fracture
[9] Brought In By Ambulance
[10]Open Reduction and Internal Fixation (a type of surgery for broken bones)
[11] I’m Having A Lot Of Fun Making Up All These Stupid Acronyms
[12] Heart Sounds Dual No Murmur (normal heart sounds)
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