humour

“A first-year medical student with a lifelong fascination with the human body, Lil’ Bobby, as he likes to be called, claims to have developed an entirely novel instrument that will “transform the way we think about sound.””

“10 am. 25th July. A singular student collapses in Clancy auditorium. A moment passes, her classmates follow. A wave ripples upwards through the masses as 2nd years everywhere succumb to its effects. What could possibly have caused this? Malaria? The flu? A particularly hard Gibson lecture?”

“In preparation for the second scenario of Health Maintenance B, Mahdrink revealed that he had single-handedly discovered the greatest impetus (in his opinion*) to drink on a more regular basis. The rationale? To enhance his ability to empathise with patients struck by the cruel hand of alcoholism.”

“Characterised by constant interjections of “I’m so screwed, I haven’t studied at all!” into conversations completely unrelated to academics, even when secretly being caught up on most of the content, studies have shown that 1 in 3 medical students suffer from this affliction.”

“Every eight weeks, a remarkable transformation takes over the Medicine cohort. Formerly confident, well-rounded individuals seem to regress, forgetting their basic communicative and social skills. Many become capable of only reciting phrases inscribed on Anki cards, reportedly sourced from an entity known as the ‘Anki King’.”

“The university’s first-ever trimester came to a spectacular end almost two weeks ago, causing regular students to recede into their warm beds to watch hours of Netflix, acquire vitamin D deficiency and bask in the comfort of their break.”

“It’s not that clear cut though. Have you seen my CV? It’s simply glorious. Magnificent. Two-time Olympic gold medallist. CEO of my own billion-dollar start-up. And 2000 hours of volunteering to boot. What’s not to love?
Yet against all odds, I’m sitting out here, a diamond in the rough. I’ve got no idea what went wrong with the selection process.”

“I mean, I figured that because I never gave them my bank details I wouldn’t get roped into anything too bad. I only gave them my name, address, date of birth, signature, driver’s license number, fingerprints and a mouth swab – you know, the usual. It’s not much to hand over when you’re given something sick in exchange. Look at it, it’s glass!”

PATRICE: I thought Mike’s reflection was pretty goo-
CATHY: Nobody asked you Patrice!
[PATRICE remains silent for the rest of the proceedings.]