By 
0
0
by Asmara Downey ed. by Saif Alam
Author’s note: the previous iteration of this article (c. 2024) was a work of fiction in which all resemblances to real people and events were fictional, etc.; in contrast, any resemblances found in this article should be assumed to have been modelled after you personally, and should be taken as feedback on your own behaviour.
3:33 am: First alarm of the day. My failed talking stage sent me a post about angel numbers once and I believe in starting the day right.
3:34 am: Go back to sleep.
4:45 am: Second alarm of the day.
4:48 am: Immerse face in bucket of ice water.
4:49 am: Instagram reels. To continue the theme of starting the day right, I make sure the reels are predominantly related to self-improvement and important educational topics.
5:32 am: Brief hate-watch of law student influencer content.
5:33 am: Sudden-onset nausea.
5:37 am: Done watching Instagram reels. Send eighteen of the absolute worst to my group chat and then decide now is a good time to respond to all my unread messages.
5:39 am: Come to think of it, I think I have a question for the Microbiology Expert Forum.
5:40 am: Just realised I have a follow-up to my question for the Microbiology Expert forum.
5:24 am: Will just close my eyes again for a few minutes.
6:02 am: Workout time! Was meant to leave for the gym at 6:00 am. Having missed this, will leave at 6:15 am instead.
6:04 am: Contemplate outfit choice. Need to aura farm in the lobby of Wallace Wurth later today and must plan appropriately.
6:09 am: Decide on the jersey of a football team I have never supported in my entire life and a pair of shorts that are wildly inappropriate for the weather. Will accessorise with an enormous oversized gym bag so everyone knows I went to the gym. Not sure what to put in it.
6:16 am: Will leave at 6:30 am.
6:17 am: Decide to make a protein/preworkout shake (not sure what the difference is). I am 100% sure I am a serious enough weightlifter to need protein supplements.
6:19 am: This is the nastiest thing I’ve ever tasted in my entire life.
6:26 am: Coffee.
6:33 am: Will leave at 6:45 am.
7:08 am: Arrive at Anytime Fitness.
7:13 am: Brief pre-session break to watch Instagram reels.
7:28 am: Machines I want are all taken. Refuse to exercise a muscle that is not visible in this exact outfit. Going to go on one of the treadmills instead.
7:37 am: Realise no one in this gym knows they’re in the presence of a first-year medical student.
7:41 am: Open up Anki while on the treadmill so everyone in this gym knows they’re in the presence of a first-year medical student.
8:00 am: Workout complete! Unfortunate that I wasn’t able to do the full session today due to time constraints this morning.
8:03 am: Do not get changed. Doubt walking around in sweaty clothes all day will bother anyone. I only have a one-hour commute on public transport anyway. Do, however, change shoes for more effective aura farming. Thank goodness I brought this spacious gym bag.
8:06 am: Spend twenty-two minutes styling my hair. Going for a casual, effortless look.
8:28 am: Ready to leave.
9:17 am: Surprise! The entire Sydney Metro network has stopped running. Fortunately, the highly reliable Sydney Trains network will never let me down.
9:21 am: Let down by the highly reliable Sydney Trains network.
9:24 am: Train replacement bus to the light rail – presumably running at normal capacity, as per usual. This will be quick.
11:22 am: Arrive at uni.
11:26 am: Coffee.
11:33 am: Go to Health Translation Hub common room so I don’t have to see anyone I know.
11:34 am: All of my friends, accompanied by the entire student population of UNSW Medicine, are in the Health Translation Hub common room.
11:35 am: Open my laptop and poke vaguely at my keyboard with lecture slides open.
11:40 am: Nap. Details irrelevant.
12:02 pm: Wake up from nap but pretend to be asleep.
12:08 pm: Scroll Instagram reels in same position as nap, the details of which are, again, irrelevant.
12:14 pm: After a hard morning of work, time for a lunch break.
12:18 pm: Go to food court via Wallace Wurth. Definitely not faster than using the regular street exit, but I feel cooler this way.
12:29 pm: Aura farm in common room by eating a salad. This is my second time eating a salad ever.
12:31 pm: Spill salad on shirt.
12:38 pm: El Jannah chips.
12:42 pm: Third coffee of the day, to prepare me for physiology prac.
1:04 pm: Walk into G06/G07 and immediately towards the furthest corner.
1:07 pm: What is a ‘natal cleft’?
1:08 pm: Oh no.
1:11 pm: G06/G07 computer is frozen. UNSW IT staff are called to help.
1:17 pm: UNSW IT staff arrive and are taken aback by the sixteen displays all showing a close-up image of the natal cleft.
1:26 pm: Computer is no longer frozen.
1:31 pm: My friend is taking a nap on me, so I cannot move.
1:32 pm: Navigating the VSlides Moodle would require moving.
1:34 pm: Opening the prac manual would require moving.
1:41 pm: Annotating the images would require moving.
1:43 pm: Probably a good idea for me to just focus on the safety and well-being of my friend who is taking a nap.
2:12 pm: How long would a Brioso run take? Would anyone care?
2:25 pm: Coffee.
2:43 pm: Demonstrator says “I’m sure you’re eager to get home, so we’ll wrap this up as soon as possible.”
2:57 pm: I suppose this is, technically, an early mark.
3:02 pm: I guess I should stick around and study for a bit.
3:05 pm: Coffee.
3:11 pm: Open eMed on my laptop.
3:12 pm: Watch AI-generated Instagram reels about anthropomorphic pieces of fruit cheating on each other. I am a normal and well-adjusted person.
3:38 pm: Run into my anat prac crush — has naked plastic baby in a hat on phone case (?) but is cute — right next to the toilets. Casually say, “My hair is super messy because I didn’t have time to do it after the gym”. Then turn around and don’t actually go to the toilet because I was too busy being casual. Cool. Nonchalant. Talking stage incoming.
3:43 pm: Performatively read in Wallace Wurth lobby – Of Mice and Men, by Jane Austen. I think.
3:48 pm: Headphones are dead. Time to go home.
3:49 pm: Can’t wait to get on the light rail, which I’m sure will be running with no issues.
3:51 pm: Light rail replacement bus.
4:32 pm: Coffee.
4:39 pm: Metro replacement bus to a suburb I do not live even remotely near.
5:35 pm: Train replacement bus.
6:03 pm: Home.
6:07 pm: Coffee.
6:08 pm: Instagram reels.
6:17 pm: Text my friends to ask why no one responded to my eighteen reels from this morning. Send another twenty-three.
6:30 pm: Am getting a call from my group project Messenger chat. Presumably not relevant. Ignore.
6:31 pm: Split-screen Heated Rivalry and Anki.
7:02 pm: Have a question about how EOCs work. Consider the sources of information available to me: MedFac resources, the internet, the year group chat, my subcom director who I imprinted upon like a baby bird and now follow around asking for snacks and life advice they are underqualified to provide. Choice is obvious.
7:04 pm: Subcom director says “i have no idea”, which confuses me because they are a trustworthy source for absolutely all information.
7:08 pm: Realise I have several dozen notifications from group project Messenger chat and another three missed calls? Perplexing. If only there was some way to find out what they wanted. Still fairly certain it is not important.
7:11 pm: Watch two episodes of House MD, split into three-minute YouTube Shorts at 1.25x speed.
8:00 pm: Tutoring is due to start, but I know this student. One more House MD clip.
8:03 pm: Join the Zoom call.
8:08 pm: Beleaguered Year 12 who has spent three weeks struggling to understand the concept of vaccination joins the Zoom call. Sincerely apologises for being late “because of computer problems”. Advise me they cannot turn on their camera due to said problems. Nor can they find any of the work they were assigned, but they are sure they completed it.
8:14 pm: Politely advise student it is unprofessional to call me “unc”.
8:17 pm: Student has a great deal of misplaced faith in microphone’s noise-cancelling features. Faith is misplaced.
8:26 pm: Discord notification sounds accompanied by Subway Surfers. It is now too late for me to say anything. Must spend entire remainder of class pretending not to hear.
8:39 pm: Loud crashing sounds, followed by angry screaming. Student says “one second please” then screams back without muting microphone.
9:00 pm: Explain this week’s work. Student says they are “homeworkmaxxing”. Hang up as soon as possible, lie facedown on the floor, and contemplate what my life has come to.
9:23 pm: Microwave leftovers for dinner. Eat while split-screening Heated Rivalry and Anki, and also watching Instagram Reels on my phone.
11:46 pm: Get six missed calls from my Year 10 maths tutoring student. This is outside of business hours, but I am compassionate. Text to see what is wrong.
11:48 pm: Student is worried they failed their Business Studies readiness pre-assessment. Says “Sir that test was [REDACTED BY EDITOR] 🤬🤬🤬🤬”, followed by “my rank has dropped 1 💩💩💩 am i [REDACTED BY EDITOR] for med????””
11:50 pm: After contemplating how to respond sensitively to their anxiety, respond, “You are overreacting.”
11:57 pm: Realise I have not submitted my eMed peer feedback. This will be the thing that fails me. I will never be a doctor. Scream until all my family members are awake.
11:58 pm: Panic-write two paragraphs of incoherent feedback.
11:59 pm: Submit.
12:00 am: Off to bed. Start strong, finish strong: another perfect day in the life of a perfect medical student.
While creative liberties have been taken with the events of this hypothetical day, the author does wish to advise readers that my own imagination is not so great as to invent the events of, among others, 12:29 pm, 12:31 pm, 1:17 pm, 3:12 pm, nor the vast majority of tutoring-related anecdotes.
Please note that to respect the privacy of my students, I have exclusively described incidents from my own teaching career where the former student involved is a present member of the Jugular committee who believes Jane Austen wrote Of Mice and Men.
