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by Harry Yang | edited by Ara Downey
Sydney Metro is always filled with such an interesting variety of people. From uni students like you and I, to disgruntled businesspeople, finance bros with Rolexes, and screaming babies, there is no shortage of diversity. Yet without fail, you never seem to get away from these 10 types of commuters.
- Denied Entry to the Pearly Gates
Somehow by an unfortunate miracle of nature, this person has been anonymously selected by NSW Transport to be messed with today. No matter how many times they futilely tap on, John Graham says “Card Not Valid”. Usually this is followed by an immediate reddening of the face, and perhaps an awkward “you go first”, before scurrying for their debit card. We’ve all been here, so we all breathe a sigh of pity for our fallen comrades when we see them.
- The Jumper
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No, it’s just an eshay brah! Often sporting a rattail, Adidas tracksuits, and a black bum bag, or simply just a school uniform and an attitude, for these people, the Opal card reader gates are simply another obstacle in life to overcome. Hurdling over like a graceful gazelle, they may be stopped in their tracks by a NSW Transport Officer, but what’s a setback if not a setup for a comeback?
- Seat Hogger
7:30am on the metro to Sydenham? Metro packed full of customers of all shapes and sizes? These people decide that their bag is evidently more deserving of a seat than any other commuter. The floor is obviously way too dirty, and why does their lap exist if not just to scroll TikTok on? Fortunately, they always alight at either Chatswood or Martin Place.
- The One with a Headphone Allergy
These people have such sensitive ears that they can’t stand to bear wearing headphones for the 40 minute trip to Central. Whether it’s Instagram reels, TikTok, arguing with their relative over Facetime, arguing with their relative over the phone, arguing with their relative over WhatsApp, or an irrepressible need to play Brawl Stars on full volume, they know that sharing is caring, so they make sure we are constantly up to date on the latest trends and family drama.
- Smell Central
It’s either yesterday night’s leftovers, two full cans of spray-on deodorant, or the need for two full cans of spray-on deodorant, but there is always a culprit who stink bombs the entire train car. And unfortunately for those who get on after Chatswood, you get to stand right next to them.
- Lounger
“Please keep your feet off the seats” apparently means “keep doing whatever you’re doing” to these people, because suddenly the public transport system has transformed into a public lounge room. In most cases it’s spreading their legs over two seats, or kicking their feet up for a nice chill ride, but at least one man must be happily dreaming he’s tucked into his personal single bed – made up, of course, of the seat you were going to take.
- The Peeper/Creep
Having a private conversation? No need, because this person will make it a party with their presence. It may get especially awkward when you catch them staring, in which case a quick dash of the eyes towards the blinking metro icon on the station indicator is observed. Also may present themself as a pair of creepy eyes you can feel glaring at your text messages with your friend about how the metro is superior to the T9.
- The One who is Obviously Sick
Coughing and sneezing every minute must seem like normal behaviour to them, because these people are awfully comfortable with spreading pathogens across the entire train car. Apparently after COVID lockdowns ended, it became okay to spread your flu-like symptoms to everybody next to you.
- Bag Basher
Watch out, because Sydney Metro has just become Ninja Warrior! Introducing a new obstacle – the larger-than-themselves bag of a year 7 student, with a newly patented extra-hard exterior accompanied by a dozen metal zippers! Bonus points if the kid is surrounded by friends, meaning they have to turn around every 5 seconds to talk to a different person.
- Last Minute Squisher
Unfortunately for this person, they were too absorbed in their Netflix show to notice that the metro stopped at their stop. As the influx of passengers begins, they take stock of the situation, hastily grabbing all of their items, and making a beeline for the exit, scoring a triple kill with their bag on the way.
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