{"id":5308,"date":"2023-07-26T10:58:20","date_gmt":"2023-07-26T10:58:20","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jugular.org.au\/?p=5308"},"modified":"2026-02-05T23:54:51","modified_gmt":"2026-02-05T23:54:51","slug":"medicine-program-redesign-proposes-replacing-students-with-well-trained-ferrets","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jugular.org.au\/index.php\/2023\/07\/26\/medicine-program-redesign-proposes-replacing-students-with-well-trained-ferrets\/","title":{"rendered":"Medicine Program Redesign Proposes Replacing Students With Well-Trained Ferrets"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\n \t<\/i> Read Time:<\/span>2 Minute, 47 Second <\/div>\n\n <\/div>\n

Written by Ara Downey and edited by Victoria Sun <\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In an unexpected departure from traditional teaching styles, the new Medicine Green Paper proposes replacing students with \u201cwell-trained ferrets\u201d:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe shift from human students to ferrets is expected to increase the financial and logistical efficiency of our program without sacrificing the quality of teaching or learning. Students should be reassured that this applies only to incoming classes and current enrollment will not be affected <\/em>(UNSW, 2023).\u201d<\/em> <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Program convenors declined to comment on why they\u2019ve taken this drastic step, but an anonymous source close to the faculty cited \u201csize constraints\u201d as the main reason for the change. It is believed that, with the Australian Government\u2019s goal to double the number of medical students by 2030, there is concern about the ability of Wallace Wurth to accommodate a program expansion. The decision to implement ferret students will ease this pressure and allow for up to 500,000,000 medical students to be taught at any one time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The use of the term \u2018well-trained\u2019 has raised eyebrows, with many feeling that this specification could become a form of subtle discrimination. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWho\u2019s to decide what counts as well-trained?\u201d asked notoriously poorly-behaved second-year student Seth Clearwater*. \u201cSure, it starts with being toilet-trained, but it\u2019s a slippery slope \u2014 suddenly there\u2019s a ferret being told that they can\u2019t study medicine because they don\u2019t know how to juggle.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A spokesperson for the Faculty of Medicine and Health stated that \u201cjuggling is not considered an inherent requirement of studying medicine\u201d but declined to provide further comments on the use of the phrase \u2018well-trained\u2019, instead providing a generic statement that \u201call ferrets will be subject to the same academic and interview screening process that humans currently undergo.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI think this is great,\u201d said current student Jessica Stanley. \u201cI\u2019ve always felt that medicine is far too focused on the needs of humans. Hopefully by shifting away from human doctors, we\u2019ll stop being so obsessively focused on human patients.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, not all opinions were positive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis is stupid,\u201d said recent graduate Mike Newton. \u201cSeriously, can no one else see that this is stupid? How are they supposed to perform surgery with their tiny little hands? Soon they\u2019ll decide that ferrets are too big and we\u2019ll be a school for ants. Mark my words.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The Medicine faculty says that they are open to comments on the Green Paper. However, the removal of human-sized tables from Wallace Wurth rooms to prepare for the installation of ultra-small ones seems to indicate that this is a change that we\u2019re likely to see implemented sooner rather than later.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

While UNSW is the first medical school to shift to non-human students, it\u2019s unlikely to be the last. Recently, the University of Queensland announced that enrollment would be open to \u201call species with opposable thumbs\u201d. While indirect, this change means a number of species such as orangutans are now eligible to apply for study.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Minister for Education, Jason Clare, stated: \u201cEducation is for all, no matter where you live, how you identify, where your family is from, what you aspire to do, or whether or not you\u2019re human.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n


*Real names have been substituted with the names of minor Twilight <\/em>characters.<\/p>\n

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