{"id":5126,"date":"2022-08-25T01:46:31","date_gmt":"2022-08-25T01:46:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jugular.org.au\/?p=5126"},"modified":"2026-02-05T23:57:18","modified_gmt":"2026-02-05T23:57:18","slug":"what-was-once-a-simple-fact","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jugular.org.au\/index.php\/2022\/08\/25\/what-was-once-a-simple-fact\/","title":{"rendered":"What was once a simple fact"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\n \t<\/i> Read Time:<\/span>19 Minute, 49 Second <\/div>\n\n <\/div>\n

I.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Rhys?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She looks up, startled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018It\u2019s been a while, hasn\u2019t it?\u2019 he laughs, picking up her books when she knocks them over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

A while is an understatement, she decides. For years, she had him held in her mind in the same way one might hold onto a simple fact; a fact that one had no particular use for, but, when it resurfaced every now and then, gave inexplicable colour to everything around her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I didn\u2019t know you go here.\u2019 he says, and sits down next to her, a bit too close. \u2018What do you study?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Classics.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Oh wow.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018How\u2019s Marie?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018She\u2019s good. Moved to NYC last fall. You should call her sometime. She talked about you a lot in middle school.\u2019 he says, distracted. He ends up rifling through her books and reads her translations. She watches on, flustered (for what is more naked than a re-imagining of someone else\u2019s words?).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When he is done, he turns his attention to her. He quizzes her on herself and she tries her best to return the favor. He hangs on to every inflection and syllable and comma and silence and she is seen.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

II.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She lies on the floor of Tracey\u2019s bedroom eyes open but not seeing.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018How do you know him again?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You know Marie? It\u2019s her brother.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018What a small world. Why don\u2019t you message him?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The thought hasn\u2019t even crossed her mind. She doesn\u2019t expect him to respond but he does and comes over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is late, by the time he gets up from her side to leave. And it is at that moment that she realises that she wants him to stay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

For when he looks at her, she is thirteen again, in Marie\u2019s bedroom, watching him from the window as he runs out into the night, against the bass line of some song from some party somewhere neither near nor far \u2014 she is home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

III.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

He invites her to a party a fortnight later. He parks his car in a back alley and they walk up to the house together. She trails behind and commits every washed-out sign, every lone white car in an empty lot, and every banana leaf that spilled over its fence to memory. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Come along now.\u2019 he says, and guides her through the back door. He finds his friends in the kitchen and she stands next to him patiently as he talks to them. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He regards her for the first time mid-conversation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018\u2014not that you would understand,\u2019 he teases her. \u2018It\u2019s much harder than Classics, I\u2019d imagine.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She doesn\u2019t know what to say and looks at him with uncertainty as his friends bring down the sky with their laughs.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He laughs at her too. \u2018Relax, it was just a joke.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Good one.\u2019 one says. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Some slap him on the back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She excuses herself. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Tell us, is she easy?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018\u2014she\u2019s totally asking for it.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she goes to hide in the restroom, she is cornered by a girl in blue, whose name she cannot remember (\u2018Oh my god, that\u2019s <\/em>who you\u2019ve been talking to? Get out! I don\u2019t know him well but he seems like such a friendly guy!\u2019). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018What was all that about?\u2019 she asks, when he comes to find her later, once his friends have left. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018What? I want a drink – let\u2019s go.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018They shouldn\u2019t say those things about me.\u2019 she says, her eyes defiant.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Oh, nah, they\u2019re just\u2026you know\u2026guys being guys.\u2019 He grabs her wrist. \u2018Come on. I want a drink.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

IV.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She notices one day that even when he laughs or smiles, his eyes remain sad and preoccupied. As though haunted by something he\u2019d lost long ago.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She thinks he knows but hides it \u2014 he is an actor and his life is his stage.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As the days roll on and grow shorter, he forgets to pretend when they are alone. When the facade cracks, and the show is over, it feels like no one is home.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She catches it once, when he\u2019s waiting for her to get ready. She puts down the brush and goes over to him and gives his shoulder a squeeze. He looks at her blankly, as though he had forgotten his lines.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Where have you gone?\u2019 she thinks.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

V.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She tugs at the sleeve of his shirt and he looks up.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Look! I got the Chancellor\u2019s award this term.\u2019 she says, happily, showing him the email on her phone. He takes a quick look and then hands it back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Were they that desperate?\u2019 he says and something within her cracks gently into two.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018That\u2019s pretty something I suppose.\u2019 he says, averting his gaze. \u2018I only got it in my second year. You must have gotten a pretty lax professor.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VI.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Sorry that I got angry.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He had yelled at her earlier that evening (she had asked him \u2018how was your day?\u2019).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018No, that\u2019s okay.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He tells her about his dreams and hopes. His worries and nightmares. And in exchange, she tells him about hers.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He tells her about cold dinners, a mother whom he never seemed good enough for and the inevitable shattering of a dinner plate. And in exchange, she tells him about spilt wine, a marriage gone wrong and the sound of sirens as they neared.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And with each tentative baring of the soul, with each minute spent and given, with each rise and fall of their hearts, with each tear and laugh, with each moment of the mundane and the extraordinary, there lay hope that they might become whole again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

They talk into the early hours of the morning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When it\u2019s time to go, she curls into him. Neither speaks and they stay like that for a while.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

VII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018That plate doesn\u2019t go there.\u2019 he says gently, and lifts the dish out of her hands. \u2018Don\u2019t worry. I can take care of it.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

VIII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You always let him off so easy.\u2019 Carrie sighs. \u2018He doesn\u2019t deserve you.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Hurt people hurt others.\u2019 She defends him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I guess\u2026but you got bashed as a kid and you don\u2019t go around dragging people down.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I\u2019ve had therapy, that\u2019s why. It\u2019s fine, Carrie, really. Don\u2019t worry. Let\u2019s talk about something else.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

IX.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Can we talk?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There is a broken dinner plate in the sink.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018What do you want to talk about?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I don\u2019t know.\u2019 she says. Silence. \u2018Why is the plate broken?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018It\u2019s not.\u2019 He refuses to look at her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I\u2019m not judging you. I only want to help\u2014\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I don\u2019t know what you\u2019re talking about. It was just an accident.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

X.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

They soon fall into motion like actors in a play. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She sweeps the shards of plate and dinner up from the floor without a word. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He avoids her eyes and goes outside to cool off, in place of an apology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XI.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

He looks her up and down one morning.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Why don\u2019t we do some exercise?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Soon he says it everyday until her runners are worn, her debit card registers \u2018insufficient funds\u2019 for all the makeup she had started to buy, and she can no longer stand to look at herself in the mirror.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You\u2019ve gotten a lot prettier, recently.\u2019 he says and kisses her for a long time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

12:27 [sender]: where ru<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3 missed calls from [sender] at 12:28.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

12:31 [receiver]: I\u2019m just with some friends \ud83d\ude42
12:32 [sender]: who?
12:34 [receiver]: Just Tracey and Harry. Why?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Message read 12:35 by [sender].<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XIII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

He doesn\u2019t show up to date night for the third time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019s fed up and refuses to be the one to message first again. She\u2019s had enough. She drains her account and checks into some motel in a part of town he doesn\u2019t go to. She doesn\u2019t want to see him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So when he turns up in the motel lobby, she is suddenly afraid. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

 She swallows and goes up to him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I didn\u2019t know you were here. Just can\u2019t get enough of me, can you?\u2019 he teases. She says nothing. \u2018Well, I\u2019ve got nothing better to do right now. Let\u2019s go get dinner.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018That\u2019s so sweet. What a coincidence!\u2019 Tracey gushes later. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She turns away, looking for some misplaced trinket that doesn\u2019t exist. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Yeah.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018It\u2019s normal for people to go to places where they\u2019ll see someone they like.\u2019 her therapist later suggests. 
She agrees for the sake of agreeing but deep down she asks is it? <\/em>In her case anyways. She then reasons that she\u2019s just being silly and lets it go.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XIV.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Surely he\u2019s not that <\/em>bad. He doesn\u2019t hit you though? I mean you\u2019ve always been a bit sensitive. Maybe you\u2019re just overreacting?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She thinks about it and suddenly feels bad. He\u2019s just insecure. She of all people should understand. She messages her other friends later and apologises for making such a fuss\u2014 she just has a propensity for drama. There\u2019s nothing wrong with the two of them. Everything is fine. She\u2019s just\u2026crazy. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Are you sure?\u2019 Carrie is doubtful. \u2018His behavior would be hurtful to anyone, not just you.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018We knew you were being dramatic all along! So silly.\u2019 Tracey laughs at her silliness to which she half-heartedly laughs at too. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

XV.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018We\u2019ve been going out for so long, they just want to meet you\u2014,\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Why are you being so difficult?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

His voice is icy and it stings. She looks at the ground. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Sorry. I\u2026 won\u2019t bring it up again.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her voice is tiny and not her own. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

His gaze softens. She feels it and finally meets it again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You know that I just want what\u2019s best for us. What\u2019s best for you<\/em>.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He raises his arms slightly and she is embarrassed by how quickly she falls into them, but she holds on \u2014 tight. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She doesn\u2019t think I love you <\/em>but rather, please love me. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

XVI.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Haha, were you jealous?\u2019 she teases him slightly when she\u2019s had too much to drink. \u2018Don\u2019t be.\u2019 She kisses him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He pushes her away. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Who said I\u2019m jealous?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You were glaring at Harry the whole time, silly.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018No I wasn\u2019t. I don\u2019t even remember doing that. What the hell are you talking about?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Silence. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Why are you so crazy?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Silence. Which makes him feel like he\u2019s <\/em>the bad guy. So he snaps. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018 Why can\u2019t you be more like Tracey.\u2019 He sees the hurt on her face, and feels better. \u2018Yeah. I didn\u2019t even say that much to her and I already know she\u2019s so much better than you. Prettier, funnier, smarter. I\u2019d much rather be with her.\u2019 He turns away. \u2018I don\u2019t want to see you right now. I think you should go.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XVII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018He doesn\u2019t mean it, trust me. \u2019 his best friend dismisses, when she brings it up. \u2018He\u2019s just not emotionally ready.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She doesn\u2019t know what to say. She feels foolish and lets the matter drop. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018But if you ask me\u2026I think you should find someone else.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

XVIII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Jesus. He said that?<\/em> He seemed like such a nice person though. Maybe you should cut him off.\u2019 Tracey says. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

XIX.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I\u2019m sorry.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018No, it\u2019s okay.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I\u2019m so horrible.\u2019 he says, mournfully. And her heart breaks twice \u2014 once for herself and once for him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I know you didn\u2019t mean it.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He doesn\u2019t say anything and hugs her tight. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

XX.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She opens the door for him when he comes back that night. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You\u2019re bleeding.\u2019 he says, and grabs her wrist to stop her from walking. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She looks down and sees the blood trickling from her Achilles and how she\u2019s tracked blood all over the floor. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018How did you hurt yourself?\u2019 he asks, concerned.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I\u2026I don\u2019t know.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He sits her at the kitchen table and kneels at her feet, about to bandage her up when he freezes. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

His gaze hardens. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018What\u2019s wrong?\u2019 she asks. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She follows his gaze and looks and sees it too \u2014a shard of plate, in a puddle of her own blood.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXI.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She finds a friend in the new exchange student, Jacob.  She doesn\u2019t see Tracey or Harry much anymore because of how riled up he gets about them (though she messages them on occasion when he isn\u2019t around). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018That\u2019s not how a friend, let alone partner, should behave.\u2019 Jacob says, when she tells him everything. \u2018Fuck, I wouldn\u2019t even do that to someone I hated.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He thinks for a while. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I know you want to help him but sometimes, Rhys, you just have to leave people in the dust. You can\u2019t help a person who doesn\u2019t want to be helped. You can\u2019t love a person who doesn\u2019t love themselves.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019s about to say hi to Jacob when she feels something on her and looks up and sees his <\/em>eyes fixed on her. His face is blank but she knows, from the way that he\u2019s holding his shoulders, that he is getting angry. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She excuses herself and walks away from Jacob (much to Jacob\u2019s confusion) and towards him. He, pleased, doesn\u2019t see the defeat in her step. He wraps an arm around her waist a bit too tightly and pulls her close as he brags about himself and laughs loudly at his own bad jokes.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She wishes she could both stay and leave. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018If he\u2019s as bad as you make him out to be, why stay?\u2019 <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXIII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Who was that?\u2019 he says when they get back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Who?\u2019 she tenses. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018The guy from the party.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Jacob? He\u2019s just a friend.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018He\u2019s obviously in love with you. Why are you so dense? Stay away from him. I don\u2019t trust you to do the right thing.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

He throws his coat on the sofa and closes the bedroom door behind him.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXIV.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018This quality of work just isn\u2019t acceptable, Rhys.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She hangs her head in shame. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her professor is taken aback and quickly tries to reassure her that as long as she takes a few remedial classes she will be fine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXV.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I know this is the tenth time, but I honestly think it\u2019s just a me problem\u2014,\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018God, I can\u2019t listen to this anymore.\u2019 Carrie says.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXVI.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Jacob sets down a cup of coffee in front of her after class one day before she can pretend that she didn\u2019t see him. He looks at her sadly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I\u2019m worried about you, Rhys. You don\u2019t seem like yourself anymore.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she has to go, he searches for the right words but there are none. Not really. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Take care, okay?\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXVII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

He follows her around his place as she grabs her things. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I\u2019m sorry.\u2019 he says. \u2018I know I haven\u2019t treated you well. I\u2019ll change. I swear. Don\u2019t go, Rhys. You\u2019re the only one who understands me. I have nobody.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He starts to cry and tells her that he doesn\u2019t want to live anymore. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She is horrified. She ends up pleading and in tears herself. Her bags and resolve lie forgotten in the corner as they cry into each other\u2019s arms. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXVIII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Her doctor doesn\u2019t say much as she speaks. As she speaks she feels she must sound crazy for her sentences are disjointed and jump over one another as she remembers and forgets and remembers again. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The headaches and the stomachaches and the feeling of drowning. The sleepless nights and the slipping grades and the thoughts that never stop running and worries that never go away. The panic attacks and self-doubt. How every time she met up with him, she\u2019d have to write down everything that happened because she was never quite sure if they actually did happen. How she\u2019d have to sleep for the whole day after and when she woke-up, it would be dark out and she couldn\u2019t remember a thing until she read what she had written. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Have you heard about something called coercive control?\u2019 her GP asks her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She shakes her head. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Google it some more when you go home.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

So she does. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Two hours later her roommate finds her staring blankly at the same screen, as she  wonders what on earth she has gotten herself into. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When she opens her referral letter to scan to the psychiatrist later, she laughs out loud but then shuts up when the shame hits.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I had the pleasure of seeing Rhys today. She presented with worsened anxiety and depression. She has been in an abusive relationship for 7 months which she is finding difficult to breakaway from. Thank you for your opinion and management.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It sounds like a gross over-exaggeration. So dramatic. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The psychiatrist talks things through with her. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Look. I don\u2019t think you need medication, Rhys. You\u2019ve decided that you won\u2019t leave him. At least not right now. It\u2019s not much use for us to talk about all the things that he has done because regardless, my suggestion to you, which is to leave, will stay the same. So, why don\u2019t we focus on forgiving yourself, and coming to peace with just letting things be for now?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her psychiatrist smiles sadly at her speechlessness. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Just remember, Rhys. Sometimes, control can look a lot like love.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXIX.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She flies home during the winter break. She spends a few nights at Dad\u2019s and a few nights at Mum\u2019s as she has always done. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019s unnerved by how similar the two of them are \u2014 him and Dad \u2014 as she listens to Dad boast over dinner. Her stepmother glances at her untouched plate and asks what\u2019s wrong. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Nothing.\u2019 she replies with a careful smile. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Her father laughs and teases her for being \u2018spoilt\u2019 and \u2018rude\u2019 and continues to speak. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When dinner has finished, and they are clearing the table, she flinches when the dinner plates clatter into the sink.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXX.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Mum?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She steps inside and finds her mother sitting in silence, by the dining table, absent-mindedly looking out the window, with empty bottles by her feet. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Hello dear.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Mum, the doctor said you can\u2019t drink anymore, remember?\u2019 she says, as patiently as she can, as she puts the glasses in the sink and the bottles in the trash. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I haven\u2019t had that<\/em> much.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Right. Well let\u2019s try not to have any at all, okay?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Okay, Rhys. You\u2019re the boss. Anyways, don\u2019t worry about your old mother \u2014 I\u2019m fine. How are you? Any boys you\u2019re seeing?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Same old. I got the Chancellor\u2019s award this term, though.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Oh how wonderful! I\u2019m so proud of you.\u2019<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Thanks, Mum. But no. No boys.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018I want grandkids. Preferably while I\u2019m still alive.\u2019 her mother laughs. \u2018I\u2019m kidding. Of course. You\u2019ll find someone one day, when the time is right.\u2019 Her mother pauses and thinks for a while. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018But someone who treats you well, okay?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When the bedroom door is safely closed behind her, those seven words are all it takes. And the tears just run free.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXXI.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She had once thought of her mother as weak for staying with her father for as long as she did. A coward. Why couldn\u2019t she just leave? But she gets it now \u2014 when she looks into her mother\u2019s eyes now, she no longer sees a stranger but she sees herself.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXXII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

On her way back, she looks out the window after take-off as the city turns to stars. She thinks of how angry she had been at her mother for staying. And how because her mother had stayed, she now couldn\u2019t bring herself to leave. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She thinks of the children that she wants to have one day (she\u2019d want two of them – a boy and a girl) and how, if it were them, she would want them to leave. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And, for the first time, she knows without question what must be done.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXXIII.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

She leaves him on a Sunday.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The last of the winter rain pours.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It\u2019s a good day. He tells her about his week, his plans to travel Europe someday and how the new intern was a total stick-in-the-mud. He even asks her one or two questions about how she\u2019s doing which makes her smile, which then makes her sad that it made her smile. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He glances at her when she takes too long to reply. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Are you okay?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She smiles sadly. If only he knew. <\/em>It\u2019s too little and all too late. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u2018Yeah. Just thinking.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When he\u2019s finished with what he\u2019s wanted to say and wants to go, she kisses him goodbye without him probing and lingers for a long time. He\u2019s slightly confused but shrugs it off and kisses her back. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When he gets up to leave, she lets him go. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXXIV.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

The days roll on. Slowly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It is not a broken heart but a broken spirit that hurts the most, she decides. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

XXXV.<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

\u2018You\u2019ll love again.\u2019 Carrie says, and gives her a big hug. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She nods and smiles, but wonders if she\u2019d have it within her to do so.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She reads all the letters she had written but never sent him and feels sad for the hopeful girl that she had once been. The girl who never wanted anything except to love. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She misses him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She wishes things were different. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

She\u2019d like to think there existed some world out there where dinner plates weren\u2019t shattered. Where children were always good enough for their mothers, just as they were. Where mothers were good enough for their own mother. Where he didn\u2019t hate himself so much. Where he would never do the things that he did. Where she would never stay for as long as she did. Where she would never have a reason to have to leave. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maybe, in such a world, they\u2019d cook dinner together, and then eat and laugh and talk, before they wash-up and put away the dinner plates back into their designated dinner-plate drawers \u2014 together. Or maybe they\u2019d be good friends and go travelling to Europe or wherever they wanted and they\u2019d stumble around, lost in the world, but always find each other in the end. Or maybe she wouldn\u2019t have a best friend called Marie in middle school and they\u2019d be perfect strangers. Or maybe she would never meet him twice and he would have remained distant in her past. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

All but a fond memory. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

A simple fact. <\/p>\n

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I. \u2018Rhys?\u2019 She looks up, startled. \u2018It\u2019s been a while, hasn\u2019t it?\u2019 he laughs, picking up her books when she knocks them over. A while is an understatement, she decides. For years, she had him held in her mind in the same way one might hold onto a simple fact;<\/p>\n

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